Okay, you know when you get so used to not doing something that no matter how much you tell yourself to go and do it, and no matter how much you want to, you just can't? Well, that's what's happened to me regarding livejournal. No matter HOW much I tell myself to go blog, I just don't, and then I'm reduced to this; blogging once every 3 weeks! Someone please kick my arse and tell me to get my act together!! PLEASE.

Anyways, I'm just packing to go on holiday. Again. Lol. Doesn't seem like 5 minutes since we came back from the last one. Why can't we just go on one kinda expensive holiday rather than 3 cheap ones?? Meh. Anyways, must dash. We're leaving at 4:30am and it's now nearly 3:30am and I ain't even packed yet. Meep! I'm bloody shattered!

Loadsa love! xxx

Well, well, well. It's been one whole year since one of the best, and strangely enough worst, days of my life. This time 1 year ago, I was sitting on the hill of the Milton Keynes Bowl with 2 people, Marmot and Nat, whom I'd never met in my life (and Nat was actually supposed to be my girlfriend lol...), and had only started talking to on the net 6 months previously and yet I felt like I'd known them forever, watching Green Day perform all of their amazing songs in the 2 biggest gigs they've ever done in their lives to date, and all in my little humble home town. Fucking. Amazing. 3 punk guys from America declaring to the whole world that Milton Keynes was now their new adopted home town. Happiness doesn't quite cover it. Sheer euphoria is nearer the mark.

Then there was the other end of the scale. That very same day I found out that my sister and her husband, Jo and Dave, were splitting up. I had never known my sister as just 'Jo'. It was always 'Jo and Dave', not 'Jo', not on her own. FFS, Dave's known me since before my 1st Birthday, he wasn't just a brother-in-law, he was a brother. My brother.

Since that day last year, I've seen him once, for 3 minutes. And that's it. We never knew anything was wrong. He reckoned things had been wrong between them for about 5 years, but we never knew. Hell, Jo never even knew. There she is, thinking she's got a loving, doting husband, then one day, he comes down the stairs, gives her 2 double-sided pieces of A4 paper with a neatly written list of everything that he can't stand about her and their relationship and tells her he wants to call it a day, because he can't do all of these marvellous things he'd planned for his life, like going to Africa on safari or moving to Australia, or motorcycling across Europe. Bullshit. Fucking bullshit. 6 days later he kicked my sister out of their house, and that was it. Jo was devestated, my parents were angry and I was lost. But Dave, well Dave was happy.

And so a year on, what's happened to us all since then? My Mum's still angry but she's happy that Jo's well shot of him. My Dad is happy for Jo and simply doesn't care if Dave exists or not. Me, I don't really know. Some days I think good riddance, others I miss him. The one thing I do wish I could have though is closure. I never got to tell him what I really think of him and to say goodbye, and that eats me up. My sister, well she's happy as larry. She got her hair chemically straightened, got sleek, gorgeous new glasses, lost weight, got a new wardrobe and got her nose pierced. And she hasn't cried in about 11 months. Her divorce will be through any day now and she can finally move on.

And Dave? Did he go on safari in Africa? No. Did he go motorcycling across Europe? No. Did he move to Australia then? Err, no. I'll tell you what he did. He upped sticks and moved into a flat in a town called Bournmouth, about 170 miles from here, where he is now struggling to get a job and to pay the rent.

So kids, the moral of the story is...?

Don't fucking chuck away the best thing in your life like it's a piece of shit cos life will come back and bite you in the arse.

And also, don't expect a girl you met on the internet 6 months previously and tells you she's your girlfriend to actually mean it when you meet her. But that story, is for another time... ;)

Just a quickie before I go to bed. I am so bloody tired. I've been on the go all day. It's not been a particularly active day, well actually, it was pretty active by my standards, but it's been busy. If that makes any sense lol.

First I went to the doctors. Had a blood test and ECG. Lovely. But the nurse actually found my veins first time, which never happens! So I was really pleased about that.

Then I came home, went to load the new Lostprophets album on to my iPod... and found that it's gone completely arse up on me. It fuckin' wiped its memory and I've lost all my songs!! Argh! *bangs head on the desk* 10gb of songs all gone. I am not happy. So I've been spending all day trying to get them back, but no. I had songs on there I can't get again... *sheds a tear* So it looks like I'm gonna be in for a few busy days trying to fill that up again.

Then I watched the World Cup, naturally. I love it and I love the way it brings everyone together, no matter what colour, race or sex you are. Best of all, England won, yeeeeeeeeey! *dances the can-can* I was freaking knackered at the end of it! 90 minutes of blood, sweat and glory. I'm so glad I don't watch that much footie or I'd never have even a tiny bit of energy left!! But it was well worth it. Well done boys!! What a transformation to the team that played Paraguay last Saturaday, eh? Now, let's have some more of the quality you were giving out today lads. Is anyone else watching the World Cup?

Mmmm, beddybyes! xxxxxx

*sits round the bonfire*

*cooks marshmallows*

My. GOD. I've missed this place! How is everybody? My little snugglebunnies?? *gathers all my LJ friends into a massive bear hug* *giggles* *doesn't realise I'm suffocating you all*

God it's been so long. I've been going mad. LJ deprivation plus Big Brother divided by MCR deprivation = I've turned into a fuckin' nut job!

So, as we all know, my computer went ass up on me and was taken away to get fixed. That was actually fixed in about 5 days. I was well happy, plugged it all back in, switched it on aaaaand... it wouldn't connect to the internet. It turned out, that when the telephone men had fixed our line during the time my computer was away getting fixed, they'd taken our internet connection out! Freaking idiots!! Anyways, so that's what took all the time to get fixed. So everything's back in full working order now! Yaaaay! ^_^

Oh, and the problem with my computer? Dust.

Yes, dust.

No parts dying on me, no virus, just dust. Part of me was so happy it was something so simple, and the other part of me was fuming it wasn't a total fucking drama! Pssh.

And then we've been away on holiday, to Devon (south-western county of England), and oh, guess what, it decides to absolutely chuck it down with rain and blow a gale! Oh, how lovely. And we were in a caravan. Needless to say it was bloody awful. We had one remotely nice day, and that's it.

The only other thing that happened was my 21st Birthday, but that was a complete fucking let down. None of my "friends" remembered it was my birthday. Now, I know it sounds childish and whatnot and normally I wouldn't care, but it was my 21st, a special Birthday, something that I wanted to celebrate, but no. I don't even care about fucking presents, all I wanted was a card from them. I love cards. But no. And then when I told them all about my day, they still didn't wish me happy birthday, they just wanted to talk about themselves.

Needless to say, I'm still pretty pissed off with them, to the extent that I didn't send any of them a present from holiday. Again, childish, but I don't care. I've decided that for once, I'm allowed to be the one I put first. I thought that these friends I made were proper friends, not like the so-called ones from my childhood. Shows how stupid I am.

And that's it folks, that's my life in the last 2 months! So, what's been happening with you lovely ladies? Tell all!

*toasts more marshmallows*

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah, we're back on the scene! Hello everyone, my God I've missed you so much! Such a freaking long story and I will have to tell you all another time as I am leaving virtually right now for ma hols. Just to let you know I'm alive really, lol!

Love to all!

Lu x

Ps. Does anyone know just what the hell "papa lapped a pap lopped" means anyways???

I'm writing this quickly in the hope that my computer won't cut out before I post it.

To all my lovely LJ friends, as some of you know already, my computer is pretty much knackered and on the way to the computer graveyard in the sky. Or at least at the moment it is. However, it's going to be taken away tomorrow and have tests done, etc, to see if it can be fixed, and hopefully it will be! Here's hoping.

So, just to say really, I'll be chatting to you all again as soon as humanely possible. I know it sounds weird, but I actually miss you lot. You're all loopy and strange, just like me lol. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Anyone who commented to me and didn't receive a reply from me, I shall reply as soon as I get this baby back in working order. Oh and Jess, I got your cake, and amazingly, it wasn't moldy! ;)

See you soon. Love and huggles to all.

Lu xxx

4 days to go. I don't want to be 21. I know it's stupid. I know it's "just a number", but it's a number that gets bigger every year. And another year gone by when I still have this stupid illness. My life stopped at 13. I wish I could have it back. I can have more birthdays in the future, but I can't get the time back. I can't even celebrate my 21st Birthday because I'll be too tired to. Instead I'll be spending a couple of hours over my Uncle's and Aunt's house because my cousin is 1 year old on the 15th too, and most of the rest will be spent in bed, like normal. Nothing changes, not even on my 21st birthday. I wonder how many other people spent their 21st birthday at a 1st birthday party? Heh.

I hope Gerard had a good birthday though. Weird how you remember someone's birthday when you don't even know them personally. What I want to know though is if he has that hamster yet, lol. Love him.

Been in a weird mood again the last few days. I haven't replied to anyone's text messages and I know that sounds fucking rotten, but I can't, I just can't bring myself to communicate with them. It's a wonder I'm even doing this. Everytime I do this I make up an excuse, like I had no credit or I kept forgetting to charge my phone because how can I tell them that I'm not in the mood to communicate with anyone? Yeah, like that'd wash with them. They'd probably all tell me to fuck off then. =( But I don't want that, I'm just not feeling right at the moment.

On a lighter note though, Brokeback Mountain is out soon and I am desperate now to watch it. I've been waiting for this film for over 21 months ffs!! I hope I love it as much as I imagine I'm gonna love it. Plus the upshot of it being my birthday means a pressie or 5 from my parents and sister and since they don't even know what to get me because I didn't even know myself until recently, I'm gonna get Sims 2 off of ebay, and they said it can be one of my presents! SQUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! Bloody hell, do you see what you've done to me Izzy?! =P

Love to all xxx

Amazing how much shit one little DVD can kick up. People criticising it left, right and centre. Saying it's too long, or they're telling a pack of lies, or they're fucking evil for not putting Matt on it more, or that Gerard's fucking boring now he's sober. Yeah, that one hit me hard.

Some people just go too fucking far. I've recovered from my own addictions here, and when I hear people saying, "Oh, Gerard was better and more fun when he was totally fucked up," not only is that fucking wrong and disgusting, it makes me wonder if that's how people see me.

When I was at my worst, I was a whirlwind of confusion and one big jibbering mess. I had to contend with being a shoplifter, a selfharmer and I'd started to drink too. I was fucking crazy. Although I couldn't go out much, when me and my so-called "best friend" did go out, it was us going in and out of shops, stealing everything we could get our grubby hands on while the other people we were with would stand around in awe.

"Oh my God, I can't believe you just fucking did that! That's SO cool! Where are we going next? Can you get me something please?"

And I did. And then we'd go sit outside with the booze that we'd managed to buy illegally and get pissed, before I'd go home, feeling so gulity, and scratch my skin off.

And then when I finally stopped all that, no one wanted to know me anymore. I actually realised I didn't even know all of the girls names that I'd been hanging with for the last year. They were just girls that came along because we were "cool". After they'd found out I'd quit, I never saw them again, I guess because I wasn't cool enough.

Is that what I am now? Not cool enough? Mostly, I don't really care. People that don't like me can fuck off, because I'm way cooler now than I was then, but it's times like these I can't help the niggling feeling at the back of my head that says I should do it again, I should be "cool" again. But I can't, I just can't. I won't.

I can't believe I write all this stuff online. How can I spill secrets, that I can't tell people in real life, so easily onto an online blog? It doesn't make sense. It makes my head hurt.

On a lighter note, I have my DVD!! Yay! *fangirlsqueals* The postman is saved from being cursed to an eternal afterlife in the deepest depths of hell - just!!

And I don't give a flying shit if anyone says the DVD's boring, too long or rubbish, I LOVE IT!! =D True, I've not really found out that much new about them, but please, 2 hours of MCR?! Why the fuck would you say that was boring?? I've watched the documentary twice over and I swear, I squeal profusely at more than just half a dozen bits. I won't say what, because I know some of ma LJ friends don't have it yet, but as soon as you do, I'mma be squealing at you about them! Just off to watch the performances DVD a second time! *squeeeeeeeeee!*

It's now the 22nd of March. The 20th has come and gone. As has the 21st.

It's still not here.

God is laughing at me.

It's the 20th. It's Alex's birthday (7 years, jeez, will I ever get over that guy??). More to the frikking point though, MCR's DVD is out today.

It should have arrived on my mat this morning.

It didn't.

I am not happy.

Infact, I'm bloody furious.